The Academy AwardZZZzzz...

Honestly, I haven't watched the Academy Awards since the last of the Billy Crystal years. (Other than in 2008 because, regardless of my love for Dr. Cox on Scrubs, Hugh Jackman is one of those actors who could get me to tune in and watch them paint a barn.) So when Chris suggested that we should watch the show "together" (with over 30 miles between us, via cell phone) it was with a certain amount of reluctance that I agreed. Good call - Best. Oscars. In a Long Time.

Oops. Excuse me for about 30 minutes - this week is apparently Teen Jeopardy, which always makes me feel really smart...

And I return, brilliant and victorious. So, the show itself was not that great. I thought Anne Hathaway did a pretty decent job but James Franco lost my interest shortly after I told Chris that he recognized him from Spiderman.

So, Kat, why would you describe the Oscars as the best if you didn't enjoy the show?

Well, creepy voice in my head, I'm so glad you asked. Perhaps a description of last night's viewing experience can shed some light on this paradox:

8:10 Fine, Chris, I'm turning on the television, but I'm totally going to play around on Facebook while we watch.

8:50 Kirk Douglas is 94 years old and amazing. Chris asked who he is. I think he was kidding, but I answered, just in case - He is Michael Douglas' father. He is Spartacus. He is one of the reasons that the era of McCarthyism came to an end. He is 94 and still larger than life, and this was the best part of the entire show.

9:08 I realize that I'd feel much more informed about this if I'd seen any of these movies. Then I realize that I don't really care who wins as long as they keep the acceptance speech short.

9:10 I remember how much I hate watching TV live - stupid commercials. My DVR has spoiled me. Like the typical American, I have the attention span of that squirrel from Hoodwinked, and no longer have the patience to sit through commercial breaks. Oh, and no, I don't want to see Dancing With The Stars. Ever.

9:14 Aaron Sorkin wins, of course. How can you not win when you've written an interesting screenplay covering material that people didn't believe could make an interesting movie?

9:27 I understand that the category is foreign language films, but seeing a nominee from Canada is kinda weird. It makes me want to make an awesome foreign language film so they have to announce a nominee from the United States.

9:33 Christian Bale brings some excitement as we all wait to see what's going to come out of his mouth. Disappointingly, his beard is wilder than his speech.

9:36 These commercials aren't so bad. We are totally going to see Super 8. Not positive what it is but, hey, J.J. Abrams...

9:38 Mercedes Benz lifts its doors and checks its armpits. What a great concept - using a car in a deodorant commercial.

9:40 Hugh Jackman is pretty.

9:43 Chris permanently damages my left eardrum as The Social Network takes best original score. Wait, that's a movie I've seen... pardon me while I check for increased level of commitment to the ceremony...Okay, no, I'm good. No change in my interest, or lack thereof.

9:50 Marissa Tomei and the "nerds" (as James Franco called them). Why can't we see those awards? I think the behind-the-scenes technology would be a lot more interesting to watch than these standard movie clips, don't you?

10:08 Chris was right - broadcast media is one giant car commercial.

10:24 Another car commercial.

10:26 Billy Crystal livens things up. Why isn't he hosting? Oh, and another reference to Hugh Jackman, but they didn't show him this time. I must be prepared for these small disappointments.

10:35 I would totally give Jude Law a ride to the after party.

10:40 Chris just noticed that Anne Hathaway has been changing dresses and hairstyles all night.

10:47 Randy Newman's 2nd win in 20 nominations. I suppose he has the right to babble a bit, but too much babble and it'll be no surprise if he's nominated another 10 times before he wins again.

10:49 Oh, good, another car commercial.

10:52 Celine Dion appeared on stage. Chris told 'him' that 'he' was very rude to start singing without introduction, and threatened to kick 'him' in the junk.

10:57 I refer to Halle Berry as an Oscar winner. Chris decides it's for her brilliant work as Batgirl. I try to clarify that she didn't play Batgirl - she was Catwoman, but now he's convinced that she won an Oscar for being a superhero. Part of me is worried that he might be serious, but the other part of me points out that she was also an X-Man.

10:59 Oh, look, another car commercial.

11:08 I love Eli Wallach. Really. I can't think of any movies he's been in where he wasn't awesome.

11:16 I wasn't aware that Natalie Portman was EXTREMELY pregnant (not just a little bit). In the sweetest moment of the show, her fiance helps her up the stairs.

11:29 Car commercial.

11:30 Wouldn't it be funny if they just stopped broadcasting when their time was up? Picture our hosts (which might be tough since they made very little impression) expressing their regret that we've run out of time and will not have a Best Picture winner this year.

11:36 Chris asked, "Who's that old dude giving out statues?" as Stephen Spielberg was presenting to The King's Speech people, and I can't imagine, having shared that, that there's anything more that I can say on this topic.